4,000 Islands: From Laos into Cambodia

So I'm currently on yet another 'VIP' bus continuing southwards to Don Det and 4,000 islands. This will be my last stop in Laos before I enter into Cambodia. As mentioned before, the term 'VIP' is rather vague and inclusive here in South East Asia. There's 45 seats on the bus, all full obviously, and another 50 plus locals standing in the aisle or sitting on people's laps. In fact I've got a lovely lady in a pink top practically sitting on top of me while another man is standing near enough pressing his genitals into my head. Very important people indeed. It all feels strangely intimate. I wonder if this girl would object to a cuddle? If this happened back home I'd be going mental right now. It's hot as hell, I'm very hungry and I need my space. Preferable arse and genital free. Also, as mentioned, no one is safe during new year even on buses. I was woken up by a water balloon exploding in my lap... But alas I'm not at home and just embracing this as just what the locals do! Please see attached my 'I'm not impressed' face. As you'll also note, I've now decided to shave off my beard and have opted for a temporary tache or 'flavour saver'. Don't worry, it won't last. I don't think....

Anyways, going to try and make a move on this local now so must dash. Will continue when I finally reach the islands.

The Thakhek Loop: Day 4 - Viang Kham to Thakhek

The hoses are out, water pistols filled, jugs at the ready and laughter in the air, in can only be one thing - Songkraan! For three solid days, from the 13th to the 15th of April Thailand and Laos celebrate their new year. And what better way to celebrate than with a massive street party and water fight! As we eat breakfast (fried rice with chicken for the thousandth time) we watch as pedestrians and motorcyclists get rinsed by giggling locals as they pass through the village. Literally no one is safe. I'd been forewarned about this time of the year and advised to wrap up all valuables in plastic bags. I knew that we could only enjoy our rice in our nice dry clothes for so long before we too got soaked. We packed up our bags and got on our bikes and set off. All of 50 feet before we were forced to slow down to a halt before we were surrounded by villagers who drenched us. It was going to be an amusing day.

The road back to Thakhek was more or less a highway of straight roads with no apparent speed limit so we embraced this and went full throttle all the way to the finish line, all the while ducking and dodging the assault of water bombs and hoses. Very fun but bloody scary when you're driving unprotected at 80km/hr.

We arrived back in Thakhek in no time at all, passing group after group of soaked partying locals. Just before driving to return our bikes a group of girls forced me to stop suddenly which caused me to skid into oncoming traffic. Luckily I stopped as did the passing trucks. My life stood still in that instant. I then had a bucket of water tipped on me by one girl and then another covered me in baby powder. Before I could set off, one local ran over and gave me a glass of iced beer Lao. It was heaven in a glass. It was hard to stay infuriated by the danger that just occurred and in an instant I embraced it, thanked my lucky stars, and laughed at the insanity.

We parted with our beloved and faithful bikes (sniff) and set off on foot to get involved in the street party. It didn't take us long before we were soaked through and beckoned over to a crowd who eagerly handed us cold glasses of Beer Lao and water buckets. The beer was free and endless. We toasted the locals regularly and were challenged to down our drinks before being handed another glass to repeat. We also scoffed down on barbecued chicken and pork and freshly cut watermelon. When we weren't drinking and dancing we were joining the families in dowsing all drivers and passers by and coating them with paint and talc. This has to be the best water fight and street party and New Year I've ever experienced. As you looked up the street you could just see water being chucked from all angles, families dancing and not a dry soul in sight. Happy new year indeed. As the sun went down and the beer began to deplete (there were still endless bottles to be finished), we headed back a bit worse for wear in search of food...dave control.

Up until now, I hadn't really come to grips with Laos. Since our slow boat across the border into Louang Prabang I've considered the country to be somewhat sleepy with not much to offer. It's completely different to its much livelier neighbour Thailand. It's been said that Laos is Thailand 50 years ago. However during the loop and the beginning of the new year celebrations, I began to realise that it's in the country's captivating landscape, the unreserved friendliness and hospitality of its people, and the countries simplicity where it's innate attractive beauty can be found. I love it. I hope more people come to experience Laos for what it presently is. I'm both excited and fearful for what the country will be like in 10 years time. But for now, ill consider it Asia's best kept secret.

The Thakhek Loop: Day 3 - Laksao to Viang Kham (via Kong Lor Cave)

It's 8:30 am. After the undoubted stress we caused our poor dinner lady the night before we chose a simpler and quicker breakfast of crisps and soy milk. Mmm mmm delicious AND nutritious...

I was especially excited for today as our journey included a trip to Kong Lor cave, arguably the pinnacle of sites on this entire loop. The roads we smooth, long and straight which meant I could open up the throttle. I say open up but the bike tops out at 82km/hr. Not quite as scary as doing 100km/hr on my previous trip back from Pai but still I was flying. 45 kilometres and about 30 mins later we arrived at the cave. Clearly a popular attraction as the park was filled with both backpackers and local Laos people preparing for the Laos new year festivities.

Suited with our fetching life jackets we boarded a sketchy looking long-tail boat with our guide for the day and set off into the depths of the cave. From end to end the cave stretches 7.5km with ceilings ranging from 10 meters to 100 meters. At the entrance there was an impressive display of stalactites and stalagmites and columns, all illuminated by tasteful neon lights. A geologist's wet dream no doubt. It took no longer than 5 minutes until we were plunged into complete darkness with only the guide's head torch and ours to light the way. It was bloody incredible. Granted I couldn't see a thing for most of the time save for when we had to get out of the boat for the guide to drag it up stream and empty it of water (slightly worrying) but it was still amazing.

We stopped at the other end and had lunch in the local village - green curry pot noodle. Afterwards we cruised back through the cave towards the entrance and then spent a good hour jumping off boulders and swimming with Laos children. It was so much fun.

On our drive out towards our Viang Kham we passed through several small villages where happy and mischievous Laos children waved and were preparing their water guns and buckets for Songkraan / Laos New Year. There was a palpable feeling of excitement in the air for the next few days. Should be fun!

We pulled into our guest house and had dinner - fried rice with chicken again.... What I would give for a greasy burger and chips right now...

Weather: much more tolerable

Roads: smooth, loose at times

Sunburn / tan lines: improving but no less uniform

Memorable moment: launching myself off a boulder into the river with a hoard of excitable and care free kids. Love it.

Day three: tick

The Thakhek Loop: Day 2 - Nakai to Laksao

'Josia?.......Callum??......' Oh thank god, they're alive and they've actually found us! Pretty worried that Diana and Princess had somehow got separated and/or died along the way during the night before, it was a welcomed relief to hear their voices. After chowing down on some fried rice and refuelling we set off on the next leg of the loop, destination - Laksao.

Unlike day one, the road that lay ahead of us today was treacherous at best - a sketchy combination of sandy dirt roads with gaping pot holes, spine crunching dips and mounds, and long stretches of construction sites. Oh god, the construction. Firstly there were the swinging caterpillar diggers. Weaving and ducking these wreck less machines reminded me of some video game except that if we got hit, we couldn't simply say 'bugger it' and press restart. Then there was a road, if you can call it that, which was no more than a foot in width and was made of crumbling clay and sand, oh and it was perilously close to the cliff edge. There have been many a moment where I thought I would die on this trip and this has certainly got to be one of the scariest. After cautiously navigating myself through Death Valley to the safety of a slightly wider embankment we passed a couple who ran out of petrol. We hoped this was not an omen for us.

Did I mention that it was hot as hell today? The sun was scorching and my body was practically melting. Is this what death feels like? As I didn't bring the most practical clothing on this little trip I embarrassingly borrowed Josia's multi coloured hippy pants to place on my arms. It was a spectacle for sure: Red and white elephants on my right arm, yellow and green flowers on my left. My multicoloured buff around my neck and my horrendously luminous green helmet upon my noggin. I looked somewhere between technicolour Joseph and Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue. I'm sexy and I know it.

Eventually the roads became more forgiving and the landscape more breathtaking. Dirt roads gave way to asphalt and construction sites gave way to large snaking rivers and gargantuan mountains. We arrived at our guest house as one group, unscathed. Hurrah. After depositing our bags, we popped next door for some food. I don't think this old Laos lady has had customers in a while as when we sat down she just looked at us vacantly for an awkward 5 minutes before bringing us a menu. To be fair, this was no restaurant by any stretch of the imagination. It was an 8x8 foot hut with a table and a couple of plastic chairs. Alas, the old biddy whipped us up some amazing fried rice with chicken which I couldn't get enough of. Again, after dodging death's scythe one more day i've never tasted such incredible food. Phew.

Weather: hotter than a witches tit

Roads: what roads??

Sunburn / tan lines: epic

Memorable moment: seeing my reflection in my bike mirror dressed as a complete and utter prat.

Day two: tick

The Thakhek Loop: Day 1 - Thakhek to Nakai

After renting our motorbikes from a friendly Laos family and their massive bear-like dog who tried to have its way with me, we set out on the open road to begin our adventure on the 4 day Thakhek loop. The loop covers some 450+ kilometres of Laos southern and central scenery including vast limestone landscapes, gravel tracks and remote villages with friendly Laos families and children waving and shouting 'Sabaidee!'

The road from Thakhek to Nakai is a smooth asphalt road stretching some 120 km from which there are paths to many different caves and geographical sites. On the way we visited the Buddha cave in which was a shrine of Buddhas and incense which was pretty cool. After that we hit up Xang Lieb where a local Laos family guided us in and around the cave. It was a stupidly hot day so at the first sign of water in the cave I was straight in. It was certainly a surreal moment swimming within the darkest depths of this cave, the squeaking sounds of bats mere metres above me. I thought of Ace Ventura and avoided stepping on anything that looked like guano. From there we drove down some dirt tracks to Tha Falang which was a decent sized river we could swim in for yet another cool down. Next stop was another cave we could scale through where you could see a body of body illuminated by the skylight piercing through a hole the above cave ceiling, this was pretty spectacular.

It was about 4:15pm at this point and we still had some decent distance to cover before sunset and before our scheduled overnight stay. Our roughly drawn map seemed to indicate that our guest house wasn't that far however it was much further than planned. At full throttle I was racing the sun as it descended into the mountains, driving down some ridiculously loose and gravelly roads. As the sun disappeared, so did my will to keep driving. Somewhere along the way our group became separated so we gave up hopes of finding our scheduled guest house and instead bailed into this surprisingly awesome guesthouse near by called something something Phosy (?), a cosy set of blue and purple bungalow huts along the riverside. Honestly, hot chocolate and hot food meet tasted as nice after a long day driving in death defying conditions. It was probably the best food and drink I've had in since traveling. It probably wasn't actually but after the day of driving we had, it was like ambrosia from the heavens. Day one completed (only just), and thankful to be alive, sleep quickly overcame me.

Weather: hot as hell, sunburn pretty decent.

Roads: Fair to undesirable, pretty sketchy at times

Scenery: spectacular.

Notable moment: spinning out on gravel roads in the dark, wondering if I'm happy with all I've accomplished in life.

Day one: Tick

Vientiane - the most 'non-happening' capital ever

So after yet another death defying bus journey from Vang Vieng, we finally reached Vientiane some 6 hours later. We were told there would only be about 12 people on the bus so we were hopeful at the prospect of space however, as we began to queue for the bus, it was evident we were lied to (unsurprisingly). We found our seats right at the back, on top of the engine, and began our competition of 'who can sweat and fidget the most'.

We checked into Vientiane backpackers hostel which was surprisingly nice until we realised there was a bed bug epidemic at the time. Fortunately none in my bed but most everyone else found themselves under attack by these little blood sucking bastards. Insofar as activities, I went to the Buddha park which is basically a park filled with the ruins of Buddhas from some many centuries ago. It was a pretty day out and we got to chat and play hide and seek with a couple of monks. That's a sentence I never thought I'd say. Other than that I saw the sunset over Thailand from the Mekong river bank, played fooseball in a bar and then got harassed by some very keen Laos prostitutes driving haplessly in there motorbikes in heels. I was impressed with their efforts. Impressed, not convinced. After a couple of days of nothingness we booked our onward journey. This was a sad day as our solid group of 8 cool and interesting randomers, a friendship forged in the early days of our slowboat into Laos, began to split. Some headed north to Vietnam, some south to 4,000 islands and Cambodia and others (me and 3 other cool cats) headed south to Tha Khek, Laos where we planned to do a 4-day motorcycle loop of southern and central Laos. Though we've gone separate ways, it seems South East Asia is a pretty small and coincidental place so I'm confident we'll meet again for more antics.

Now the fantastic four, we booked a 'VIP' ticket southbound to ensure the most comfort and air conditioning possible. I'm pretty sure both of these requests would have been honoured had the double decker bus not been crammed to the ceiling with passengers. We must have stopped a half a dozen times to pick up stragglers from the roadside and each time we did, the bus seemed to operate a BYOS service, that is, bring your own chair. And by chair I mean plastic garden furniture. The attached picture doesn't really do my description justice but honestly, the walkway between the two lanes of seats was filled with plastic stools, topped with passenger, topped with little kids, then topped off with bags and bottles of water. Absolutely mental.

Another 6 hours later we arrived in Tha Khek, a very quiet town again with not much happening. I've noticed that here, people do a whole lot of sitting and nothing, or seemingly nothing. Lots of back-of-house shops selling practically the same ridiculous tat as everyone else but there's no one bloody here so how do they make any money I wonder. I saw a shop fridge that had one Beer Lao (my best friend at the moment), one bottle of water and one bottle of M-150 (a heady Asian version of red bull, packed full of ephedrine). Either there was a mad rush of people (there wasn't and never will be) or the shopkeeper had low expectations of trade for the day (definitely the only explanation).

Anywhos, not here for culture. Tomorrow, we set off for our 4-day arse pounding on 110cc Korean Semi-Automatics! Vroom vroom! Should be fun, I'll keep you posted!