The Thai Islands: Moments of blue and neon paint

And from the crazy motorcycle insanity of Hanoi, to the lazy, idyllic life that is the essence of the Thai Islands! 

As I sat in Hanoi airport awaiting my flight back to Bangkok, a surprising wave of sadness and lethargy washed over me, producing a solitary tear which dropped into my cheese and onion Pringles. This was due to a few reasons. Firstly, the side effects of a ruptured ear drum were starting to get on my tits - life is temporary like listening to the world through a sock. On top of that I was having woeful symptoms of man flu. But beyond all these 'worlds smallest violin' ailments, I realised that the stem of my real melancholia was my departure from Hanoi, and ultimately, Vietnam.

As previously mentioned, there appears to be a void in time in Hanoi. Ask anyone and they'll also tell you that despite the apparent chaos and hustle and bustle, there's not actually too much 'to do' in Hanoi. But saying that, I find it to be a lot like Laos in this sense; it's all about the experience and the feeling. Architecturally, culturally, and geographically they're obviously entirely different however their common denominator is their essential beauty. Sure, if you go out ticking off Trip Advisor's list of 'Things to do in Hanoi' you'll easily rattle through them within a day or two. But if you stand back and simply observe your surroundings, that's when you discover the city's authenticity and pleasure. Its the crazed motorbikers down the narrow alleys. its the horns. Its the enthusiastic clothes merchants. Its the old ladies doing Tai Chi by the lake at night. Its the hidden street markets selling mountains of melons and pineapples. Its the kids playing football on the streets. Its the persuasive late night doughnut sellers (and dirty kebabs). Its Hanoi. And this can similarly be applied to Vietnam as a whole. On the  Vietnam Top Gear episode, Jeremy Clarkson sums up what I'm getting at perfectly with, "It's hard to sum it up really. Perhaps that's why people when they get back from this country always say the same thing, Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!" I will come back to this beautiful country, I've merely scratched it's surface.

Glum and full of reminiscence, I boarded the plane to Bangkok and as I watched Cloud Atlas (terrible film starring Tom Hanks, don't bother watching it), I prepared myself for the penultimate stage of my tour of South East Asia, the Thai Islands. First stop, Koh Tao (via Bangkok and yet another epically long bus / boat journey...I wouldn't have it any other way!...).

Bleary eyed and considerably fatigued we arrive at this famously beautiful island. Crystal blue waters, tropical fish, coconut trees and beautiful beaches. This is going to be a great few weeks. Not wanting to mess with success, we booked into Spicy Tao, Thailand's 3rd Spicy hostel set in a not too distant yet pleasantly remote part of the Island. As predicted (and indeed expected), it didn't fail to entertain us. When we weren't having a BBQ or indulging in 2 for 1 Samsong Buckets at Lotus Bar or Cancun Bar, we remained within the hostel's common area, recovering, and watching back to back episodes of Idiot Abroad, and endless films. 

Having originally planned to come to Ko Tao to get my PADI certification, I feared that my newly busted eardrum could inhibit this from happening so I made a b-line to the doctors to get a professional  opinion. As I suspected, the doctor states that it is indeed ruptured (that'll be 500 baht please) and that it would take a minimum of 1 month to heal (shit) and in no uncertain terms am I to go diving (...balls!). I could feel buddy sadness creeping up to say hello again. Luckily, I could go snorkelling but not before stuffing my ear with cotton wool and Vaseline. 

Ear stuffed, I headed across the island (a gruelling 30 minute uphill trek) and down to the bay. Snorkelling here will undoubtedly be one of the most memorable moments. For two whole afternoons I floated in, around and above the most stunning coral reefs I've ever seen and swam amongst an incredible array of colourful fish. It was like swimming in an aquarium. A surreal moment was swimming amongst a massive school of sardines, all silver and shimmering as they changed directions in sync with eachother. Incredible. On the second day I encountered a trigger fish (I did not know this at the time...). It was an  impressive size and a spectacle of colours. Not to mention it has massive, human-like teeth. Despite its intimidating appearance, it was quite majestic so I decided to closely follow it for a while until it disappeared. When I got back to the hostel I was informed that this trigger fish is so called due to its trigger-like fin witch springs up when threatened and then attacks. It's massive teeth and jaw apparently are used for munching on coral and rocks...rocks?! and also apparently the bodies of divers and snorkellers. Despite the imminent danger I was completely ignorant of, I came away fascinated and more importantly unscathed. Sometimes I'm just too damn lucky for my own good! 

Yesterday morning we set off for the infamous Koh Phagnan - a massive island of yet more beautiful beaches, blue waters, and of course, the parties. We went out for a bit of a taste of things to come last night and all I'm going to say is that if last night was only the tip of the iceberg, tonight's jungle party and the full moon party on the 25th will be quite the sight. I will no doubt need a few days post full moon to lay still, recover and reflect on what the hell had just happened. Someone said to me last night 'normality is out of the window, and it ain't gonna get any normaler!'. Brilliant. Stay tuned for the inevitable anecdotes to follow! 

I hope you're all well wherever you are reading this. As always, stay safe and much love! X

Birthday brawls, Top Gear toys and Hanoi happenings

So once again I have been pretty negligent with my blogging and as per I have much to report so thought that as I'm having a nice early evening, I'd update all you loyal readers, and indeed subscribing virgins, of my recent what-and-whereabouts!

30th of April, my quarter-century celebrations! My birthday started off in a rather fitting, ironic and bemusing way. After rolling off yet another tedious night bus we were then bundled into a 6-person minibus to be taken to our hostel. There were 13 of us. Being the (sometimes) chivalrous person that I am, I let everyone have at least one cheek on a seat. At exactly 8.00 am, as I stood contorted and hunched over the seats à la Notre Dame bell ringer, it occurred to me that at this moment 25 years ago I was in a similar precarious position. Most amusing I thought.

After a brief rainstorm and a couple games of pool the true celebrations began with terrible Vietnamese rum and coke - the cheap and cheerful option. And of course my hero of a travel buddy Déjan organised a wicked cake to be made for me which got damaged in the refrigeration process but was cleverly disguised by a strategically placed snickers bar. A nice touch I feel. A standard drunken birthday night ensued which was a good laugh. That was until a bar / street brawl broke out in our group. One of the girls in our posse was mistaken for a promoter for the rival bar which apparently the Vietnamese staff of the then present bar weren't fond of. And when I say that, I mean that one wrapped his belt around his wrist and was about to twat me one. A bit strong I thought. Then another threatened to kill one of our other mates so needless to say it all got a bit tense and awkward. After a lot of diffusion and fast-walking in a zig zag pattern (a confusion tactic, definitely not a sign of too much birthday juice) we continued to have a brilliant night out. Unscathed I might add.

Our next big adventure was driving our motorbikes from Hoi An to Hue along the same beautiful coastal road that the Top Gear boys did. That was bloody awesome. Even when we were conveniently misdirected to a local's monkey 'tourist destination' literally at a dead end up in the clouds, the drive was spectacular. We even passed enamoured newly weds posing along the cliffs. And I even bought a cool hippy bracelet from an enthusiastic lady up in the hills along the way. What an awesome day. Tired, windswept and significantly sun-kissed we arrived at Hue backpackers and played giant Jenga for a time before checking out the night life. Again.

A quick 2 day blitz in Hue and we moved onto our final destination in this epic country - Hanoi. For a such a busy city, there's surprisingly not a lot to do here that warrants much venture and discovery. There's a fair few museums, which are annoyingly closed on Mondays and Fridays and awkward times during the day, a run-of-the-mill night market and water puppetry. Saying that, the latter - in my opinion - was awesome. It included an hour-long performance of the traditional Vietnamese water puppets conveying the country's history and culture, all accompanied by traditional Vietnamese music played by some incredibly talented musicians. I learned two things from this show: 1) women use fans and umbrellas to display signs of affection to their loved ones while men play pan pipes or flutes. So when I eventually go back home to rainy England, ill be sure to get my flute out (waheeey) as it would be rude not to reciprocate the many flirtatious umbrella holders; 2) Vietnamese people, as a whole, apparently came about as a result of the copulation between a dragon and a peacock. Explain that one to me Darwin. I was never taught anything as an ignorant and naive kid but I'm told similar rumours of procreation between birds, bees, and storks. Mother Nature has got a lot to answer for.

Questionable biology lessons aside, we also took a three day tour of Halong Bay which was truly beautiful. We rode a serious of small 'put-put' boats as I like to call them and boarded our main vessel, a glorious cruise boat called Asia Cruise which took us in and around the many hundred islands and to Monkey Beach Resort. Day one included a tour of one of Cat Ba's caves which featured vast and varying displays of limestone features. Unlike our previous wonderment of Laos's Konglor Cave, our tour guide at this cave (named 'Smokey') quickly led us around inside while pointing out all the genital-shaped and other perversely shaped rock formations. "Can you see that? It looks like a penis", "and how about that lump, that's a big breast", "you see that gaping hole? that's called 'man's dream'". Bloody hell, what is it with this country. Take a cold shower, seriously.

Afterwards we then paired up and kayaked in and around the floating villages and tiny islands. Lastly, we then ended the day by jumping off our cruise boat into the surrounding jade-coloured waters as the sun was setting. It was all so glorious until I attempted to backflip off the boat, bailed half-way through, landed on the side of my face on the water, ultimately causing my eardrum to rupture. Damnit. That night we ate a brilliant meal, played some games and slept on the boat. On the next day we were taken to Monkey Island where we spent the day sleeping on the beach, playing an intense game of volleyball and enjoying yet another delicious banquet. I know what you're thinking, life's bloody hard sometimes!

Before I finish up this post, I must also briefly brag by saying that I won the hostel's own talent show competition. There wasn't much competition though...maybe 3 other acts? So don't go rushing for my autographs and re-tweets just yet. In round one I performed the only magic 'trick' I know by shoving a long piece of bamboo straight into my face as fellow backpackers looked on with disgust and bemusement (not sure you can call that a talent). In round two I used my arguably only real 'talent' and serenaded the crowd with a beautiful a cappella song. I can't repeat the title as its not strictly suitable for all readers (family / future employers) but its by Tenacious D and ends with 'gently'. A near deafening applause was offered, clinching my victory. As well as the two nights free accommodation I received, I also won 3 free jugs of booze. My victory that night was short lived as I was later found fast asleep on a cubicle floor and somehow mysteriously bundled into my bed. Oh how the mighty fall.

I'm here in Hanoi for another two days when on the 14th I fly back to Bangers (Bangkok) to then make our onward journey to the idyllic Thai islands. First stop, Ko Tao for some scuba diving hopefully and then Ko Phangnan for, you guessed it, the full moon party. Then, money permitting, ill be heading west to Krabi and Ko Lanta for some intense rock climbing and deep water soloing. I can't bloody wait! What a way to round off my trip of South East Asia.

So it's just after midnight now and I'm feeling pretty tired so im going to wrap this up with a bow and bid you all a good night and hope you are all well. As always, much love and hope you enjoy the photos.